1 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:12,513 [ Earl Narrating ] You know that guy you see going into the convenience store... 2 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:16,917 when you stop off in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? 3 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:20,488 Sort of shifty lookin' fella who buys a pack of smokes, a couple lotto scratchers... 4 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:23,057 and a tallboy at 10:00 in the mornin'? 5 00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:27,027 The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? 6 00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:33,901 Well, that guy's me. 7 00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:37,138 My name is Earl. 8 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:40,141 And if you took the time to really get to know me, 9 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:43,611 find out what kind of person I truly am instead of just stereotypin' me... 10 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:48,249 because of the way I look, well, you'd be wasting your time. 11 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,119 Because I'm exactly who you think I am. 12 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:56,257 Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that isn't nailed down. 13 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:08,302 About six years ago, I was out drinkin' when I met this little firecracker. 14 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:11,004 You got great boobs, Peggy. 15 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:14,875 Her name was not Peggy. My name is Joy. 16 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,878 You got great boobs, Joy. 17 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:22,150 She kept buyin' me drinks, and later that night she drove us to Vegas. 18 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,818 By the time I sobered up, we were married. 19 00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,687 [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] 20 00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:33,361 The next mornin' I was recuperating from being a little... over-served. 21 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:36,630 Morning, Hubby. [ Moans ] 22 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:40,168 Hell, when I was drinking, I just thought she had a bit of a belly. 23 00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:43,171 Some people might think gettin' so drunk you accidentally marry a woman... 24 00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:47,007 that's six months pregnant is a good reason to stop drinkin'. 25 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,178 Personally, I think it's a good reason to keep drinkin'. 26 00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:55,716 Joy didn't remember much about the boy's real father, except that he drove a Ford. 27 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,818 So, we named him Dodge. 28 00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:02,055 A few years later, we were having our first child from my own personal seed. 29 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:05,526 [ Screaming ] The doctors already told us he was gonna come out a boy, 30 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:08,296 so we went ahead and named him. 31 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,198 There he was. 32 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,100 Earl Jr. 33 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:17,171 [ Boys Shouting ] 34 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:22,910 People ask me how I can stay with a cheatin' wife and two horrible kids that aren't mine. 35 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:26,680 I guess I just believe in the sanctity of marriage. 36 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:29,950 Besides, I'm sure just as many people ask her why she hasn't thrown out... 37 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:33,754 her good-for-nothing husband and his brother who lives on their couch. 38 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:37,358 That's Randy, the best brother anyone could ever ask for. 39 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,132 That's Darnell. He's always hooking us up... 40 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,569 with bowls full of stuff he's not legally allowed to put in the crab cakes. 41 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,871 - Thanks, Crab Man. - No problem, Earl. 42 00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:57,445 Thank you, Darnell. Anytime, Joy. 43 00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:01,782 Randy and I love the free crabmeat, and for some reason, Joy loved comin' here too. 44 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,786 And if we were lucky, Wanda would push B-7. 45 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,225 Oh, no, she didn't. 46 00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:14,628 Wanda, don't tell me you pushed B-7. 47 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:21,001 [ Earl Narrating ] Anyway, that was our life. 48 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:25,639 It wasn't glamorous or nothin', but it was regular enough. 49 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:28,742 At least it was regular enough until three weeks ago. 50 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,415 Son of a bitch. 51 00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:41,955 Son of a bitch! Whoo-hoo! 52 00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:43,591 Whoo-hoo! 53 00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:47,461 I'm rich! $100,000, sucker! 54 00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:50,764 [ Grunts ] [ Screaming ] 55 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,469 [ Tires Screeching ] [ Car Departs ] 56 00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:58,306 That was the happiest 10 seconds of my life. 57 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:08,015 As soon as I was conscious, Randy went back to look for my scratcher. 58 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:10,684 [ Car Horns Honking ] But I knew he wouldn't find it. 59 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:14,955 I would have been more upset if I wasn't so doped up. 60 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:21,295 Hey, baby. Hey there. Sign these next to the sticky little yellow things. 61 00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:23,464 Okeydokey. 62 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:30,471 Earl J. Hickey. 63 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,542 - Hey, Crab Man. - Hey, Earl. 64 00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:37,911 Darnell's parents threw him out for growing weed in his closet, so he's moving in. 65 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:40,381 - We're thinkin' about gettin' married. - But we're married. 66 00:04:40,414 --> 00:04:44,051 Not anymore we're not. Thank you for the trailer. 67 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:46,954 Trust me, Earl, this is gonna be better for everybody involved. 68 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:50,891 Earl Jr. really should be with his daddy. Feel better now, okay. 69 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:57,598 Now, I've never been much of a complainer, but lyin' in traction that night, 70 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,933 knowing that I no longer had a home, 71 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,869 no longer had a wife... 72 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,205 and no longer had a $100,000 lottery ticket, 73 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:09,843 well, I think I might have cried if I wasn't afraid of Randy waking up and seeing me. 74 00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:13,080 Then it happened. I was just flipping the channels... 75 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,082 and... he came on. 76 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:20,120 Forget about me. I wanna know about you. I wanna know about Carson Daly. 77 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:23,190 Every time I see you, you got a beautiful woman on your arm. 78 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:26,059 You got a talk show, you got your own record company. 79 00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:29,963 What's your secret? Well, if you must know, uh, I'm Satan. 80 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,466 [ Laughs ] I don't know. 81 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,802 Seriously, I, uh... I've been very blessed. 82 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:37,871 I also believe that what goes around comes around. 83 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,040 And that's how I try and live my life. 84 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,876 You do good things and good things happen to you. 85 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:45,813 You do bad things, and it'll come back to haunt you. It's karma. 86 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,582 [ Earl Narrating ] Karma. There it was. 87 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:54,087 The secret of life coming straight from Carson Daly's lips to my morphine-laced ears. 88 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:02,563 When they finally released me from the hospital, we checked into a motel. 89 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:06,900 It didn't take Randy long to make friends with the help. It never does. 90 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:08,902 How long is your break, Catalina? 91 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,705 The manager went to the dog track. 92 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:14,408 I'm on my own schedule for the afternoon. 93 00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:16,877 Do good things and good things happen to you. 94 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:19,580 Do bad things and it'll come back to haunt you. 95 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:20,914 That's deep, Earl. 96 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,250 - I'm talkin' about karma. - Who's Karma? 97 00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:26,520 I don't know. Something Carson Daly came up with. 98 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:31,324 He says he does good things in life and that's why his life is so great. 99 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:33,561 Got me thinkin'. My life sucks, 100 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,763 and I ain't ever done anything good I can think of. 101 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,966 Who is this Carson Daly? Is he some sort of spiritual leader? 102 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:40,067 A holy man? 103 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:44,004 If I want a better life, I need to be a better person. 104 00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:47,941 - What's this? - I made a list of everything bad I've ever done. 105 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,743 Why? Why? 106 00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:53,947 Randy, I just won $100,000 in the lottery, and was immediately hit by a car. 107 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:57,651 I almost died because somethin' good happened to me that I didn't deserve. 108 00:06:57,685 --> 00:07:01,689 That karma stuff is gonna kill me unless I make up for everything on that list. 109 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:07,528 "Number 23... Peed in the back of a cop car." 110 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,597 I'm no longer proud of that. 111 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:13,534 "Number 41... snatched a kid's Halloween candy... 112 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:16,336 when he came to my trailer to trick or treat." 113 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,739 That was wrong, and I know that now. 114 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:22,510 "Number 102... harmed and possibly killed... 115 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:25,613 innocent people with secondhand smoke." 116 00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:28,649 How in the world are you gonna fix these things, Earl? 117 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,751 I don't know. Start with the easy ones. 118 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,453 Like, um, number 64... 119 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,322 "Picked on Kenny James." 120 00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:38,992 I used to torment the hell out of that poor boy back in elementary school. 121 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:41,771 What do you think you're gonna do about it now? I don't know. Find him. 122 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:45,232 - Do something nice for him, and then cross him off the list. - Excuse me. 123 00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:48,769 But if my boss comes back and sees there's no garbage in the parking lot, 124 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,838 he's gonna get used to it like that. 125 00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:53,340 - So could you please put it back? - No, I can't. 126 00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:56,644 Number 136... I've been a litterbug. 127 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,579 Well, here. Cross that one off your stupid list. 128 00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:02,516 I can't cross it off the list. Not until I've picked up as much as I littered. 129 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:06,654 And my list isn't stupid either. It's my road map to a better life. 130 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:10,858 Well, I hope that road has free gas and free food... 131 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:13,126 and a van big enough for us to sleep in, 132 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,229 'cause we've just spent our last $45 on this room. 133 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:19,767 And I'm not cuttin' into my beer money for some stupid-ass crusade. 134 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:30,711 Son of a bitch. It's workin'. 135 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:39,776 [ Earl Narrating ] When I went over to the lottery office, they sure made a big fuss. 136 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:46,760 I wanted to get started on my list as soon as possible, so my life would start gettin' better. 137 00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:48,962 Hell, it was already better. 138 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:51,599 Our new friend Catalina had the day off and nothin' to do, 139 00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:54,702 so Randy and I had somethin' pretty to look at. 140 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:58,105 Plus, I finally had enough money to buy somethin' I've always wanted for my car. 141 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:00,874 [ Car Alarm Beeps ] - Which house belongs to this boy you tortured? 142 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,943 That's his parents' house right over there. 143 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:05,412 We don't know where Kenny lives now, but Randy'll find out. 144 00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:07,781 Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's four. 145 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:10,050 - I'm still thirsty. - Look, you had four. 146 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:14,087 You can have another one when you come out. Go on now. 147 00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:17,658 - So, why aren't you going in? - I get nervous when I lie. 148 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:21,862 Randy's a pro, so long as he's got the right number of beers in him. 149 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,197 Four seems to be the magic number. 150 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:29,770 Anymore and he starts to get a little bit... unpredictable. 151 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:35,208 So, are you visiting all of Kenny's classmates' parents? 152 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,410 Only the ones we've lost contact with. 153 00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:41,782 You see, as class president, it's my duty to organize the reunion, 154 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,517 and I'd hate for anyone to miss out on all the fun. 155 00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:48,388 You know, what with all that catching up and them little appetizers and all. 156 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:52,592 Oh, isn't that sweet? Can I get you a beer, son? 157 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:55,328 I would love a beer. Thank you. 158 00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:58,065 [ Sirens Approaching ] 159 00:10:07,507 --> 00:10:11,144 In case you're wondering how many beers it takes for Randy to get himself into trouble, 160 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:14,281 nine seems to be the magic number. 161 00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:18,752 Luckily, he got Kenny's address before he pissed off Mr. James. 162 00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:22,823 I think I have Kenny's yearbook in here somewhere. 163 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,696 Dibs. 164 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,835 At first we had a little trouble finding Kenny's house. 165 00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:39,973 You see, Randy wrote the address on his hand, and sweated off the last digit during his getaway. 166 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,876 But eventually we found it. 167 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:46,246 There he is. Kenny James. 168 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,648 Man, I got a weird feelin' in my stomach. 169 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:51,551 It's probably just guilt. 170 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:55,789 [ Earl Narrating ] She was probably right. I wasn't proud of the way I treated Kenny. 171 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:58,258 - [ Children Shouting ] - Hey, Kenny! 172 00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,894 I bet you strike out again, you dork! 173 00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:02,863 That's enough, Earl! 174 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,933 Just ignore him, Kenny, and try your best. 175 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,742 [ Children Shouting ] 176 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:20,914 [ Groans, Whimpers ] 177 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,251 You're out! 178 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,653 I watched Kenny for a few days... 179 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:30,590 and tried to figure out how to make up for all the abuse I put him through. 180 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:35,462 Kenny had a good job as an assistant manager at the Copy Hut, 181 00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:41,234 a powder blue Le Car he took pride in... 182 00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:45,172 and the nicest house on the block. 183 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:50,710 But he didn't have anyone to share it with. He was lonely. 184 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:55,448 There was something special missin' in his life that every man needs to feel whole. 185 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,218 I gotta get him laid. 186 00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:01,221 - What? - Kenny. I made him feel bad his whole childhood. 187 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:04,457 If I wanna cross him off my list, I gotta make him feel good. 188 00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,794 A little pleasure to make up for all that pain. 189 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:10,173 What kind of woman are you gonna get to have sex with a scrawny little man like that? 190 00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:13,000 Yeah. You need muscles to get laid. 191 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,237 Not with Patty you don't. 192 00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,875 Patty wasn't your run-of-the-mill prostitute. 193 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,977 She was a daytime hooker. 194 00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:27,547 It takes a special kind of woman to sell sexual favors in the light of day. 195 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,416 [ Knocking ] 196 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:33,253 Hello. Hey, sweetie. I'm from Greenpeace. 197 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,656 I need to talk to you about the sky and whales and all that crap. 198 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:40,227 You got anything to drink in here? 199 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:42,996 I knew we wouldn't have to wait too long 200 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,865 before Patty came back out. 201 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,900 She doesn't charge that much. 202 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,969 So, she makes her money in turnover. 203 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:53,406 - How'd it go? - He gave me $10 to help baby monkeys. 204 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,609 How was the sex? You got anything in the tank left over for me? 205 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:57,777 We didn't do it. 206 00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:01,548 Damn it, Patty. I'm on a schedule here. Come on, Randy. 207 00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:07,120 I tried, Earl. I did. Towards the end I even pulled out my good boob. 208 00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:11,124 You think he's gonna remember you? 209 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,795 - [ Whimpers ] - Yeah, I think he remembers me. 210 00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,934 [ Beeping ] 211 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:25,572 - Kenny, calm down. - I have a restraining order against you, Earl Hickey. 212 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:29,009 But that was written on a brown paper bag by the school nurse 20 years ago. 213 00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,744 Yeah, well, just take what you want and leave. 214 00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:33,380 All I wanna do is talk. 215 00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:36,749 Listen, Kenny. I'm here to help you. 216 00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,952 I don't need your help. 217 00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:41,989 Buddy, you just gave up a chance to have free sex with a daytime hooker. 218 00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:44,024 - You need my help. - Earl? 219 00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:46,793 - Not now, Randy. - Shut that drawer! 220 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,763 Kenny, I'm here to help you find a woman so that you can be happy. 221 00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:56,103 Earl, I think you're tryin' to sell a cat to a man who fancies dogs. 222 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:11,952 [ Earl Narrating ] I know this might sound crazy in this day and age, 223 00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:16,924 but we live in a small town, and I've never been face-to-face with a gay before. 224 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:22,195 I understand now the runnin' probably wasn't necessary. 225 00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:29,102 That's it. Kenny's off the list. Good. 226 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:33,173 Isn't that against the rules? Look, I made the list. That means I make the rules. 227 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:36,076 The guy was gay. Gay. That's special circumstances. 228 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:38,878 I don't have to help if there's special circumstances. 229 00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:41,714 Here. Get us a couple of cheeseburgers from the machine. 230 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:44,317 Okay. So, what's next? 231 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:48,588 Number 86... stole a car from a one-legged girl. 232 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:54,061 What happened here? 233 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:58,065 Ow! Damn, girl! Have you lost your mind? 234 00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,600 - Who's the whore? - What did you just call me? 235 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:03,603 - She's the maid. Relax. - Did you think I wasn't gonna find out? 236 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,842 Damn. Look at that. My eyes are closed. 237 00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:11,644 I want half that lotto money, Earl. 238 00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:15,382 I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife who didn't huff paint on Thanksgivin', 239 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:18,285 but I guess life's full of little disappointments, now ain't it? 240 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:21,421 They only had one Mello Yello left. You wanna wrestle for it? 241 00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:23,823 [ Groans ] 242 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,593 That's it! Gimme the damn phone! 243 00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:31,631 I'm gonna get that money, Earl! I want it. 244 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,605 [ Catalina ] That's your ex-wife? Yep. 245 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,841 As crazy as she is, I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't gonna miss her. 246 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:45,545 [ Grunts ] [ Alarm Beeping ] 247 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:48,381 [ Alarm Beeps, Stops ] 248 00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:51,118 - Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crab Man. 249 00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:54,487 What happened? 250 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:58,691 Karma. Karma happened. 251 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,964 [ Earl Narrating ] And I believed it too. Think about it. 252 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:07,134 As soon as I decided not to help Kenny, 253 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:10,503 Joy broke into my room and beat me up with a phone. 254 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,173 That's when I realized I have to stick to the plan. 255 00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,575 There are no special circumstances. 256 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:19,179 I may have made the list, but I do not make the rules. 257 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,348 Karma makes the rules. 258 00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:25,418 The one-legged girl would have to wait. Kenny had to be first. 259 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:33,793 Stay away. I bought Mace. I just want to talk, Kenny. Relax. 260 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:37,930 [ Screaming ] Ow! 261 00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:40,867 Kenny? 262 00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:44,337 Hey, Kenny. How's it feelin' now? 263 00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:48,308 Better, yeah. Thanks for pinning me down on the ground, 264 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,943 prying my eyes open and pouring the milk in. 265 00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:55,748 - I think that helped a lot. - You steal enough purses, you learn a few things about Mace. 266 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,717 Mm-hmm. 267 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,820 Why... [ Clears Throat ] 268 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,123 God, wow. That's... [ Chuckles ] 269 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:06,426 Why don't you have a man, Kenny? 270 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,261 What? 271 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:11,831 If you like... men, 272 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,501 why don't you, uh, have a man? 273 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,104 That's none of your business. 274 00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,038 No, it's not. I know that. 275 00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:22,642 Trust me, I don't really wanna know. It's just you seem lonely. 276 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:27,114 And I gotta figure out how I'm gonna help you so I can cross you off my list. 277 00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,249 What list? 278 00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:32,719 You're number 64. But don't let that fool you. 279 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,654 I'm doin' you first. 280 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:40,493 You see, Kenny, my life sucks. 281 00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:43,196 And it's because I've been a bad person. 282 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:45,432 I'm hopin' if I can do some good things, 283 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,168 then maybe some good things might finally happen to me. 284 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,603 You're talking about karma. 285 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:53,340 You're a Carson Daly fan too, huh? 286 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:56,443 Yeah, I'm talkin' about karma. 287 00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:00,580 You're really trying to change? 288 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,849 If I don't, I think life's gonna kill me. 289 00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:09,021 I don't have a man because... nobody knows I'm gay. 290 00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,791 You know what this town is like, Earl. 291 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,794 Besides, even if people knew, where am I gonna meet anyone? 292 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:18,398 What about the city? Don't they have special bars for the queers? 293 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:23,035 I'm sorry. Uh, Homosexual-Americans. 294 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,071 I tried that once. 295 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:30,109 I drove an hour and a half just to sit out front in my car, too scared to go in. 296 00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:35,114 [ Clears Throat ] 297 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,684 What if I went with you? [ Grunts ] 298 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:42,455 - What? - Maybe you won't be scared if you're not alone. 299 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:46,859 Earl Hickey is going to take me to a gay bar? 300 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:50,363 I don't have a choice, Kenny. 301 00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:53,200 [ Men Chattering ] 302 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,471 [ Earl Narrating ] I didn't wanna be the only non-gay there, 303 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:03,243 so luckily, Randy agreed to go as soon as he heard there were gonna be bubbles. 304 00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:07,347 You like that one? 305 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:10,383 Uh, I don't... I don't know. He's cute, I guess. 306 00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:12,885 All right. I'll go talk to him. 307 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,588 You wanna be the man or the woman? 308 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:18,391 Wait. You're just gonna go over there and talk to him? 309 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:22,629 Yeah. He's gay, but he ain't gonna bite me. He ain't gonna bite me, is he? 310 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:26,699 Look, maybe I should do this myself. I can't let you do that. 311 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:29,602 I gotta be the one to help you if I wanna cross you off my list. 312 00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:32,939 Wait, wait, wait. You have helped me. 313 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:35,642 Look, my whole life I've been scared to be who I really am... 314 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,345 because of what people might think. 315 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:41,013 But then Earl Hickey brought me to a gay bar. 316 00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:46,152 Earl Hickey went to Express for Men and bought me a shirt. 317 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:50,257 Earl Hickey, the one man I was the most scared of in my whole life, 318 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,525 has accepted me as I am. 319 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,597 Look, when we were kids, you took away my confidence. 320 00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:02,402 But today you gave it back. Thanks, Earl. 321 00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:09,676 You can cross me off your list. 322 00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:15,248 [ Earl Narrating ] And there you have it. 323 00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:17,984 Never underestimate the power of confidence. 324 00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:22,221 It's midnight, boys. And that means it's time to take it old school. 325 00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:31,331 Oh, no, you didn't. Tell me you didn't just go old school! 326 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:43,610 [ Earl Narrating ] And never underestimate 15 beers, 327 00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:46,446 a little enlightenment... 328 00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:49,449 and the power of Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. 329 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:55,422 Well, one down, 258 to go.